Accountability and the shadows of fear

Here I am on day ten of seven. I have written and posted every day. I have done it. I made it through. I have kept myself accountable. No headache and no sleep deprivation could stop me. I should feel like celebrating. I should be proud of myself. So why do I feel so empty? Why is this little nagging voice taking over my whole head booming about that this has nothing to say? This is me taking a step back to get a clearer view on what is going on.

I have had a bad accountability record. Putting everyone’s needs in front of mine made it very hard to change this. I made promises to myself only to break them again while promising that it would be only temporary. You know those temporary solutions that are still in place years later because you never came about to do something about them? We get so used to them that they will go unregistered, unseen after just a short while. Those screws substituting for cloth hangers or the moving boxes, filled with unknown stuff, serving as side tables? Just a small nuisance in the flow of your day. Really?

What if this small nuisance was a leaking ceiling or a nagging partner? What if this small nuisance was a well-paying and mind-numbing job? What if this small nuisance was your days being over and you not remembering what you actually did with the time given to you? If we get used to something we often won’t see it anymore until our attention is called to it again, usually through an outside force. Force in this instance is to be taken very literally. Often it needs traumatic events like loss and pain to wake us up, to really get our attention and to get us to focus on what’s going on.

Why does it have to be so painful?

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Why can’t we just all learn life’s lessons in any easy and fun way? Why does it usually feel so hard and unfair? I don’t know. I honestly don’t know. What I do know is that going beyond the hurt, the doubt, the fear is usually rewarding. We survive, we grow, we learn, we become more resilient. It’s hard to see all of that when we are down on the floor, breathing the dust, hurt cursing through every part of our body. I know, because I have been there and I am down there right now.

How long will it take until I don’t feel like an impostor anymore? When will I believe myself again, trust in my own accountability, have faith in myself? I don’t know. I do know that the only way to find out is to keep going, taking on step at the time. It might take days, weeks or even years and all of them can be reached by taking one more step and then another step. I know it sounds like a lot of work and it is. I would love to tell you that you can skip the work. I have spent years trying to find a way to skip the work and just be successful now. I haven’t found a way. If you have found one, please share it with all of us in the comments. No really, share it. If however you are like me and haven’t found a way around the work be assured that there is a value to it.

We are shaped far more by our experiences on the way to success than we are by success itself.

Way to Success

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If you look back at your life and create a list of turning points in your life, of moments of great growth you might find that they weren’t your moments of success. Chances are they might be the moments of your falling down, making mistakes, getting up again, growing and learning. We are afraid of failure. We are afraid of change. We’d rather accept all those small nuisances in our life than to take the risk of feeling the pain of growth. We thereby give our fear tremendous power over us. Our decisions and actions are guided by fear.

What if I fall? What if you fly?

""What if I fall?" Oh, but my darling, what if you fly?":

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Taking a leap might lead to you falling and it will definitely will let you fly for the time of your leap. To keep on walking might bear a lesser risk of falling. Still you might fall and even worse you will never ever take flight. The only way to create extraordinary experiences, the only way to fly, is to take the risk of falling by taking a leap. When will you take your leap and start flying?

 

This post is a reminder to myself. Being down on the ground right now I keep on taking a step every day. Each blog post is a leap, a leap of faith. Thank you for being part of this journey. If you happen to be on the ground, too or if you would like to share your thoughts and experiences please feel free to comment.

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